Girl, Quit Your Job
I am not a quitter.
Or maybe it’s better to say I’m not very good at quitting things. I tend to stay in situations and entertain relationships for way longer than I should.
Growing up, that’s a really common phrase to hear: “Don’t give up!” And I’d argue that the people who would tell you that only say it with the best of intentions. Life is about perseverance. Unfortunately, it won’t always be easy, but we have no choice other than to persist. But, as an adult, I realize how limiting that idea of never giving up can be. Continuing to hang on to something or someone that is no longer meant to be a part of your life can be draining in every sense- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Because I fully admit that I have a problem with not giving up, I often rely on feelings or divine intervention to tell me what to do. I ask myself, what is the universe trying to tell me? Sami and I joke about this a lot. Most times when I have received an answer from outside of myself, I’ve always felt at peace with it and that’s how I know it’s time.
All through high school and college, I had a job working in a retail store. Even after I graduated college and got my first full-time job, I kept working at the store some weekday evenings and on the weekends. This was tough. My full time job required mandatory overtime so between both jobs, I had very little time for rest or fun. I was basically always at work or getting ready to go to work. I quickly approached burnout. The extra money I was making from having the second job was nice, but not a necessity. I had learned to budget and live within the means of only having the full time job. So, that is why a loved one said, maybe you should quit.
I was shocked at the suggestion. What an idea that was! I seriously had never quit an obligation like that before. Every club I had ever joined in school, I stuck with until graduation. I volunteered to pick up trash on a Saturday morning one time, and ended up doing it every weekend until the coordinator themself quit. I’d actually had a second part time job at one point, and I am no longer employed there only because the business closed after a lawsuit. It sounded so glorious and easy- quit. But, I couldn’t do it.
For weeks after the thought was spoken into existence, I continued to boot and rally. I would cry sometimes in the car on the way to work but smile through the whole shift like everything was hunky dory. Until the day.
I had asked my manager at the store to adjust my availability to not work past 9 p.m. since I started work at my other job at 6 a.m. This was a reasonable request. Even working until 9pm, on weekdays that would give me a 4-5 hour shift. Lots of people had adjusted availability. Some of my coworkers were teachers. Same idea. They requested not to work past a certain time. I followed the proper procedures and submitted this change in the computer. The manager denied my request and said ‘we don’t need anything so formal; I will just remember not to schedule you so late.’
On the day, I realized I was scheduled until midnight. The store wasn’t even open that late, but the shift was to work customer service until closing and then work the rest of the time adjusting mannequins and displays for an upcoming ad. I asked my manager what had happened to her remembering my availability? OH! She said, a simple mistake. Unfortunately, there was no one to cover so I would need to stay with the promise that it would never happen again. That was the first sign. Right there, I think the universe was saying, “Bro, just go home.”
I set out to my station when the manager pulled me aside because I was wearing jeans and it was a dress pants day. My bad! I had missed the memo since the dress code changes during the holidays. Around my lunch time, another employee came in. We had to wear a particular shirt as part of our uniform. The girl was wearing the shirt, but she had cut it into a crop top and was wearing leggings which were not allowed ever. (Just noting here, in no way do I care that she did that. Be comfortable, queen.) But clearly she was in violation of the dress code too. You could see her belly button. When the manager came around later for rounds, she said nothing to my crop-topped comrade. That was sign number 2.
Still, I continued. At this point, you may even be shaking your head at me. I was waiting on a customer, helping a mother and daughter duo find the perfect piece for a special occasion. Out of nowhere, this crotchety old dude starts orbiting us while we are looking and is muttering that the daughter is “gross” because she had purple hair and the mother should be ashamed to be seen with her because of it. Absolutely whacky for many reasons. Mostly, the audacity. She wasn’t talking to you, you approached her to say something rude and unwarranted. Secondly, it’s not your body or hair, so why do you care? Lastly, we here at L!LAC know that purple is the superior color. I waited on the two women, making sure to hype up the girl. Always be louder than the haters. Happy, they left. Next in line was the old guy. I did something slightly out of character for me. I wouldn’t consider myself a particularly confrontational person (obviously, LOL), but I refused to wait on him. There were 6 other cashiers, he could go to any of them, but I was not at all interested in helping him.
He called me every name you can think of. Now I was gross, too. He said, let me talk to your manager. Fine, knock yourself out dude. I called her, explained the situation and what did she do? She apologized to that fool AND offered him a gift card when he said he wouldn’t come back! Her audacity rivaled his audacity. At this point, the universe was shaking me. Violently. Just quit.
I worked two more hours, mustering the courage. Finally, I went back and told the night shift manager (yes, at this point I was 6.5 hours into my 12 hour shift) that I wanted to quit. She was surprised. I worked there for 7 years. I was always organizing picnics and had a lot of friends. She asked me to reconsider. I said no. She walked me through the computer portion of it and wanted a 2 weeks notice. At first, I said OK. I marked the date in the system and went back out to the sales floor. I felt so much peace. As a person who just has a general level of constant anxiety, this was new. I was calm. Cool as a cucumber. Especially crazy considering that the mere idea of quitting made me want to ralph at the beginning of the day. After 30 more minutes, I said to myself, why stay here a minute longer? I went back to the computer, changed my end date to the day. I grabbed the few items in my locker and I never looked back.
I’m hoping, on some level, that story made you at least smile. But, I know and you know that it was no bueno. That was toxic. There would have been zero shame in quitting earlier. I wasn’t shunned for quitting. No retail henchmen struck me down as I drove home. Life went on. For me and the store and all of the other people that worked there. Even purple hair girl and cranky old guy are presumably out there living their lives to their idea of the fullest. And that’s the thing I learned as I became an adult. Sometimes, you need to quit. And I’ve also realized that in most cases, you’ll know when it’s time. You might not realize it in the moment, but life is working out exactly how it is supposed to.
Our newest song “Candlelight” shares the same spirit. But, instead of being about a manager with audacity that is holding you back, it’s yourself! Your guilt. Your negative self talk. Your anxiety. Your imposter syndrome. We, and I can say this from personal experience, are often our own biggest obstacle. At some point, you have to be fed up enough. You have to fight to not be stuck. And, I’m not saying that it's an easy conclusion to come to or that the journey out of that place will be smooth sailing, but you have to do it. You have to fight. Because you are always stronger than you think you are and your best self is on the other side of that fear. If this resonates with you, I hope you’ll listen to our song.