Do You Ever Think About Dying

If you read our last blog, you know how hype Sami and I were to see the Barbie movie. If you saw the movie yourself or found yourself scrolling through the memes for it, then you’re familiar with arguably the most iconic line from the film. All of the Barbies are at a party, performing a stylish and perfectly synchronized dance routine, when Margot Robbie’s Stereotypical Barbie utters, “Do you guys ever think about dying?”

A record scratch ensues. While she plays it off, that statement is the catalyst for almost all of the action. It drives the plot.

While important and it clearly struck a chord with audiences all over the world, I’m here to tell you that Barbie wasn’t the first to say it. When I was in the 4th grade, I participated in youth cheerleading and our practices were held at a local park. When practice was over and I had to wait for my mom to pick me up, I would mess around on the monkey bars or slide. One summer evening, my friend, let’s call her Jessica, and I both found ourselves waiting so we got on the park roundabout (the giant spinning carousel thing; yes, I Googled it and apparently the official term is roundabout). There we are, laying on our backs, looking up towards the golden sunset, momentum moving us in a blissful circle when she looks at me and asks if I was scared of dying.

At the time, I answered as honestly as a kid with such little life experience could. No. I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t totally sure what dying even really meant. It was a foreign concept. Not wanting to seem like a bad park partner, I asked her the same question back to which she responded, “Oh, yes. I’m terrified.” With no words of wisdom to offer her, I left the park and forgot about our interaction as soon as I got into the car to go home.

Not long after, I had my first experience with death. My uncle was diagnosed with cancer and over time, he got sicker and sicker until they put him in home hospice care. He only lived one street away from my parents, so I would walk over and talk to him. The last time I went, I could tell he didn’t have much time left. While I still don’t know if I fully grasped what would happen to him after he died, I understood that soon he wouldn’t be here with me anymore. I was of course very sad, but I was also a little relieved. I’d heard grown ups around me say that at least now, he wouldn’t be in pain. He wouldn’t be suffering. That gave me a great deal of comfort.

Same with the pace with which he left. Because he was sick, I watched him ‘get ready’ to leave. I had plenty of time to tell him goodbye and that I loved him. I was undeniably upset, but at the same time, the whole thing had neatly concluded. It was not abrupt. I thought I finally understood what Jessica was terrified of and now, I could say no, but for a different reason. I wasn’t scared because I had seen my uncle do it.

Imagine my confusion when the next person in my life passed away. One of my cousins committed suicide, another concept I didn’t know much about. The story I got from the adults around me was truly perplexing, to both them and me. My cousin had apparently spent the days leading up to his passing making plans with his close friends. I remember someone saying he promised to go see a movie with one of them. They were to meet up the day after he was already gone. How extremely human and mundane is that? Even when he went to take his life, he took their family dog in the basement with him so that he wasn’t truly alone. Again, a detail that threatens to shatter your heart.

Those around him repeated over and over that they had never seen it coming.

That is a thought that terrifies me. That is an idea that keeps me up at night. And I’m talking about adult me, not kid me.

I’ve dealt with my own share of mental health issues and battled depression, and I can’t say for sure that even at my darkest and lowest point that I ever really considered taking my own life. What I mean by that is there were definitely moments where I wondered how much easier it might be if I weren’t here anymore, but I never went as far as to really consider a practical way to make that a reality. But, that’s the scary part. I don’t think anyone can really trust their own thoughts when you find yourself in those valleys of life. Your mind focuses almost obsessively on how bad you feel. And unfortunately for some, their master plan to make the pain stop includes an exit strategy. On the outside, they may or may not present themselves as feeling this way though- of feeling alone.

There is a popular tweet I’ve seen that says “I just saw a friend post about their struggle with suicide, and a quote in their story was ‘I came to realize that I didn’t want to die. I just wanted my life as I knew it to end.’ I think that sentence is so important. Your life can always take a different path and direction.”

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. It is cited that suicide is the 12th leading cause of death in the United States. Even more shocking is that in 2020, there were nearly double the amount of suicides resulting in recorded deaths than there were homicides! Think about everything you’re taught when you are a child. Let’s go back to the park, right? We are on the roundabout. My mom would tell me to watch out for strangers. Don’t talk to them and if someone were to try and grab you, you should scream as loud as you can to try and draw the attention of someone who could help. Stranger danger, you never know who could have ill intentions. It’s like the classic question, how many serial killers or just plain murderers do you think you’ve met in your lifetime without knowing it?

But, the threat more likely to get you is yourself.

I think the approach to eliminating the danger could be the same though. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help from the people around you. The people that might say “I never saw it coming” through their tears. The ones you would leave behind. Heck, scream if you have to.

A lot of resources out there will tell you to look for the warning signs in yourself or others. Some indicated by the National Institute of Mental Health include taking a lot of risks or withdrawing from friends and loved ones. That’s a good place to start. I think it’s also important to look for signs that someone is struggling, even if you don’t have concerns about them being suicidal. Depression can present itself in a lot of ways too. It could be sleeping a lot or not having the energy to take care of your hygiene or your living space. Personally, for me, a warning is when I let the pile of mail by the door get out of hand. For Sami, it’s letting her dirty dishes fill the sink. Those are signs of an approaching valley.

And not to sound cliche or preachy, but one thing I learned from my own struggles is that persevering through the rough terrain to get to the paradises on the other side has always been worth it. The highs are so much more meaningful and authentic than the lows. I beg you to keep moving.

Next week, on 10-6-23, we will be releasing our new song called “Tangerine Tea.” It’s very special to us because it is our most personal single yet. We were inspired to write it from our experiences with depression and we hope it will resonate with anyone else who might find themselves struggling.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, remember that you can always text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline using the number 988.

Lots of love to you as we end September.

Jamie