Thirty, flirty and…
Well, it finally happened…
There I was, minding my own business, when I looked into the mirror and saw it. It truly glistened as the light hit it in such a way- my first gray hair.
While I always suspected I would get some (my mom went gray on the younger side and my hair is just like hers) it was still a surprise. My first thought was, “I can’t be gray, I’m too young.” But then I remembered that was a lie, I was almost 30 years old (😅).
For as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be an adult. My older sister is 7 years older than me and with her getting to experience everything first, I wanted to be just like her. Once I recall being jealous that she was finally old enough to shave her legs. So jealous, in fact, that when I had a new friend over for a play date, I gave her the whole house tour. The tour even included our downstairs bathroom where my sister was in the tub. The lock had been broken on the door for a couple of weeks and I could hear her music playing so I knew she wasn’t showering. I opened the door and mid-shave, introduced her to my friend, as if she were a majestic creature in a zoo exhibit. My friend let out an “ooooh.” My sister, of course, kicked my butt when she got out later (as she should have), but my trespass wasn’t meant with the intention of embarrassment. Rather, admiration.
As a person who now shaves their legs regularly, I cringe thinking I was ever excited to get to do that - I should have cherished that time when I had the chance!
Besides shaving, I got to see her do a lot of other “firsts” that seemed so glamorous and exciting. She went to high school dances and was even a DJ! I felt a sense of pride when she would ask to borrow CD’s from my collection. Then she got her driver’s license and her very own car. I’ll never forget how every time I needed to get in it, she would have to move roughly 25% of her total wardrobe off the seat before I could sit, but I thought it was so cool. Next, she graduated high school and *poof*, she was off living her own life.
I spent my young adult years striving to meet those same milestones. I went to a lot of dances. I got my driver’s license and my own pre-loved car. Before I knew it, I was set to graduate high school but what next? I didn’t get to see my sister go through the next phase up close and personal, so I was headed into uncharted territory.
For guidance, I looked to my friends and peers. A lot of them were headed off to college and I was a good student, so I thought that’s what I should do next. It took me into my sophomore year to declare a major because, again, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. Fast forward a bit and I’m standing in front of the campus library practicing for commencement. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed college, but I was also ready for it to be over. Which meant what? I had to find a job.
Much like shaving your legs, the appeal of having a “traditional job” wears off pretty quickly. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to pay my bills. But, at some point, unless you’re getting more out of it than a paycheck, it can be mentally draining. As I’ve come to learn, mental health is a key component in your overall well-being, folks.
I saw a tweet not long ago that said something along the lines of “What am I supposed to do everyday for the next 40 years? Wake up, go to work and endlessly think about what I want to have for dinner?” I feel that to my core. As I’ve gotten into my later 20’s and have now celebrated my 30th birthday, I’m fully embracing the wisdom that is ‘life is what you make of it.’ Literally.
I have always wanted to learn how to play the drums. As a kid, my mom said no. Eventually, I came to the realization that going to work as an adult rewards me with the ability to make that happen for myself right now! And I’m doing it and I love it! Not long ago, I signed up for a swim class at the local community center. I kept seeing ads for it but was always nervous to sign up because:
1.) I’d never done it before and had never been to that pool
2.) I didn’t know anyone else in the class
3.) I’d have to do it alone
For years, this thinking held me back. It was an excuse. Sure, there were some underlying anxieties stemming from each one of those bullet points that hyped up my “no,” but still. It’s pretty simple. Again, I manifested some wisdom. I finally just said “screw it” and signed up. So many of the other people in the class were solo older adults, who were there simply to enjoy themselves. And I was back to feeling a sense of pride, just the same as when my sister would borrow my CD’s. I got it. You have to do what you want to do to make yourself happy, or it’s going to be a long 40 years. And sometimes that means doing something alone.
Also, I fully understand that human emotion is more complicated than that. Even though there is no formula for life, or how to live it perfectly, I still fall into the trap of feeling behind or not like a real adult sometimes. One example is that I’m not married. I’m not even in a committed relationship. Which doesn’t matter much. I know in my soul that I’d rather be unattached forever than settle for a relationship that makes me miserable. But, single life can be lonely and hard to stay balanced in that perspective when you see your friends around you reaching that milestone or talking to literally anyone from your family at a holiday dinner and they ask you a million questions about why that is.
I guess my point is that you could stay consumed by the passage of time and aging. You could let it keep you rooted in routine. Or, you could embrace the unknown. Either way, you’ll have to do some self-care to keep peace with your mental health.
You won’t always be thriving and laughing through life; sometimes you will struggle and cry, but don’t let that stop you from having that next “first”! Cheers to your future firsts and mine! Here’s to my future drum lessons. Here’s to more dips in the pool. Here’s to time spent shaving my legs and here’s to (hopefully) a head of gray hairs.